Sunday

Hi! 

Rare 2 days off from teaching. Such a productive weekend.... much be the "prana" in the September air. Yesterday, got fingerprinted, notary public, mailed my background check thing to Albany, then drove to Beacon for some volleyball, had a veggie burger at Dogwood, vball friend Jared joined me, then I met Vanessa in Newburgh, fun fun fun. Drove home around 10. Then even folded laundry! WTF?

Today, going to finally check out the quaker meeting, then tinder date with another Jared (hike in Kent CT)... 

Been thinking.... about managing my anxiety.... to just "be" in every moment

Update: Quaker meeting starting at 10 not 10:30 so I missed it but went to Stop n Shop instead. 

I am enjoying my new job... it is pushing me to a new level. It's been 2 weeks. Stilll nervous to do an amazing job but... if I can just relax, know that I am doing the best I can every day, and I'm doing fine.

New criteria for dating is that the dude has to be into me. Very into me. No more lukewarm what the fuck guys. 

Managing anxiety. Call the accupuncturist. Go to meditation on Thursday. Read "lolita" ..... Weird, when I read that book a decade or 2 ago, I thought that it was a love story.  Is it? Then on NPR today they were saying that it depicts a villainous child predator. Did I miss something haha.  

journaling

A weird month. 

In Poughkeepsie, in the new apartment, feeling so frazzled and unstable the past month. Awesome dancing night at Speigeltent at Bard. 

What do I want? 

What do I fear? That while my friends are all buying houses and marrying and getting pregnant, I am busy hooking up with 18 year olds, quebecois and French guys, and other "exciting" adventures. None of these experiences lead me to the stability, deep partnership and intimacy that I say that I want. 

Had a hard moment where basically in the same breath speaking to Dave I claimed how ready for partnership I am, how I've investigated why I am drawn to inappropriate situations, how in therapy I really worked on a, b, and c, and then in the same motion went to snapchat with my current teenage pen pal. He asked who i was texting and I told him "oh just some 17 year old". 

Hard to feel that while I spend so much time "working on my inner life", identifying the patterns which lead me to destruction, claiming to be such a know it all about how other people live. And then falling back onto the same slippery slopes that I worked so hard to avoid. It's just disheartening and makes me feel like I have a permanently faulty judgment system. 

Spent Sunday feeling pretty blue about all that. 

Talking to Debrae, I really asked for her help in making this the clean slate. But is that what I say I want just for the sake of my career? Or because I truly disapprove of my own attractions and choices? Yeah, I think it is option 1. As she says, "What you are attracted to doesn't always benefit you". But I do feel pulled down some sketchy roads. Like this strong pull to go there. 

The strategy right now is to prioritize my move and transition to new job. Basically, avoid slippery situations. Grow some distance between Oakwood and me and people I knew here. 

What's also interesting is how my own insecurities and fears I completely projected onto my friends who were there that night. Like I judged myself through their eyes. 

Anyway. It's all a bit dark and hard to see clearly. Good night XO

my truth

For a few weeks now my voice has felt very shaky. 

After the july 4th event (Did I tell you?).... I'm feeling so great about the result of that conversation. "Tell him boy, bye"

======== a few weeks later...

Summer vacation is flying by but tonight I really feel the need to come home to Poughkeepsie and kind of fall apart. 

Feel like I am going through a series of disappointments recently..

My conference in Tennessee was in some ways so painful. I am an introverted teacher. It's not easy for me to jump in to teacherhood non-stop. At 7 am the teachers are like non stop talking to each other. Why do they have to speak so much? Because I needed all that energy for my workshops and what not, I wasn't feeling very social.

And alex started being distant that week, and then I found out why. And now I am at my parents house watching Portlandia eating ice cream and trying not to imagine him boning someone else. All while not being boned myself. So devastating yes, and also sad that my beach vacation was kind of cancelled due to all that. Debating whether to go to Long Island tomorrow.  I probably will stay home and watch the Ab Fab movie with my mom. 

This summer has definitely been rough. Hoping that my island lover will help me end the summer on a positive note at the end of August. But already, a Fire Island camp trip with girlfriends should help. And this week I've committed to reading a 300 page book... and taking it easy... doing some shopping and eating, and planning my next getaways. 

What helps is remembering that he wasn't the perfect match for me. But I came to love him. But yeah, the passiveness, the messy house, the stuff he needs to work on in therapy, the unstable career, the taking forever to ejaculate. The never having an opinion on where to eat. Gah. So, it's probably for the best. 

Chris taught me that I want to be emotionally supported and cared for in my relationship. Alex taught me that monogamy, clear boundaries, sharing common goals, are things I will value in my next relationship. I also learned that this whole art-school grad faux-progressive "open" mentality is very likely to hurt someone, (me), if only by a little bad timing. Why mess with the heart? 

"The sad thing is, we're better off this way"

Friday gonna go up to the Berkshires to see an old friend Paul, spend a little time up there, then head to Debs in Amherst for the emotional nourishment of female friendship. Blessed. 

Sometimes in the summer I have this feeling of "Gotta travel/do stuff" and sometimes I do just need to sit still. And be bored for a few days. And not put a bra on all day. 

Ok. I'm gonna go watch some Portlandia now. 

where we are at now

That old instinct to push someone away. Why?

To not be seen. Really seen. To not give something a try. Because it is easier to walk away than to risk being SEEN, to risk being HURT, to invest an optimism in something and then feel REJECTED. 

Anyway after meeting chris to tell him what's wrong with him and that we aren't connecting, it turns out he had the emotional maturity to challenge me, respond to me, and we finished the conversation rekindling our chemistry - intellectual and physical - and now we are still on our path and my mentality has certainly changed. I'm sitting with the feelings of desire, vulnerability, desire for connection that kind of makes me open to..... being disappointed or "rejected". But i can't reject myself. I unconditionally love myself and support myself. I am whole yada yada yada. 

And the time we spent together the other night was awesome. He's a fuckin babe. "And even though we both fly

Give each other space and not the evil eye"

It's summer, I am feeling totally open to expressing my passions, interests in languages, travel, health, fitness, music, and staying healthy so that I can live to the fullest. And I'm armed with a better iron supplement so hopefully that will help my energy level. I'm lucky.

And in all the goodness that is going on, I can have a cutie by my side to make all the goodness even sweeter...

Such a vivrant thing...

therapeute

11 am appointment today. Amazing work. It took a few sessions to adjust to her but I am really getting something out of our sessions.

"you have a hard time asserting your own power"

"Instead of risking rejection or 'being seen', you would rather keep them at bay" 

Hence the attractions to the people who cannot truly 'see me". 

She thinks that chris is uncomfortable for me because I don't have the control. Not sure if his lifestyle is conducive to a sustenant relationship. But I am attracted to him. But I have the urge to "break up with him" just like Frank did me in 2012.

Yeah, and he has roommates... it's a financial concern... so no privacy at his house, and honestly they don't exactly inspire me. 

Just like I don't want to tell him I don't like being fucked that hard and am not into his kinky requests, I also avoid the conversation of "how we are evolving", and "here are my concerns". Just to be open to what he says. 

I hope to initiate that convo some night this week. 

After reading Alice's cool zine "poems about girls".... I feel inspired to write some poems about men... kind of about my hatred for them and love of crushing their testicles. Kind of a potent area where I can explore my anger... and assert my power. When I think about Chris I think about this specifically male way of being in the world. All about him and his cock. All the porno he grew up on has taught him that to please a woman you just fuck her hard. 

And the wildest thing today... Mike is "in a relationship" on FB! It's only been 2 weeks! I'm almost broken up w someone in these 2 weeks!! Wild. Battled feelings of disappointment, but intuitively knew that he's not the right one for me. So I'm happy for him... she seems more mainstream and younger than me. No more trying to pretend he understands what tempeh is. 

see into me

you want me to fuck you with my vibrator? 

You want to have some of my ibruprofen to prepare for your workout tomorrow? Cuz u left yours at work?

You want me to watch you jerk off and cup your balls until you come?

You want me to  sit on your face while you jerk off?  

you want me to stick my finger in your butthole while you fuck me?

You want me to be so awesome, and so amazing, and have interesting interests, and have a rich social life that I hardly need you? 

You want me to fit so perfectly into your google calendar? 

You want me to never demand too much of you emotionally?

I don't know if I am gonna do these things for u. Except sit on your face. 

"dear john"

Hey. I wanted to write to you after today. I guess I'm wondering what's wrong, but I probably know. 

It does feel to me that we are probably on different paths. After our conversation last week, it seemed hopeful that we could continue on, be open and communicate etc. But I really can't do it. I don't have the sexual energy or emotional energy available to give to 2 different people. There were the long-distance guys I told you about, but there is another one who is local. It would be splitting hairs to say that things haven't exactly gotten sexual, but it's definitely going to. And it's been recent and hard to know exactly how to communicate it to you. So no, I'm not saying that like he's the one or something, but I do want to give it my energy right now, because I've discovered that trying to multi-task at this does NOT work for me. 

Did you have a date Saturday? I am very intuitive...

I have a feeling that our purpose in each others' lives was about awakening us sexually. Going through our early dating revealed to me that I do indeed have a sex drive and WANT to connect with someone on that plane, as well as emotionally. It's important to me. I didn't always believe that. And then honestly, the sex was great with you, and yeah, it doesn't sit right that we got there so briefly... gave us just  a taste of something awesome. But I don't know how else to frame it.