Margot on my lap as I write this. "The River" radio on my Roku. Such a hodge podge of paths colliding, always. Remembering that I used to be a Western Massachusetts person. And now I am a CT person. And I was just a Hudson Valley person for a while.
Made an appt w new doc in NM,
This afternoon came home, walked nico, then sat down and couldn't bear to get up again. Out into the cold. Sat in a quasi-nap state for an hour.
Spending a lot of money of acupuncture.
Eating a lot of the foods that I want to eat. Don't deny. Today, oreo cheesecake with my coff. Yesterday, a PINT of ice cream. Yeah. At 10 pm. In bed by 11. That's a common move. Just go for it so hard.
I came home from this 3 hour meeting feeling so... burnt out, and like crushed, wanting to cry. On one hand the ever-present question of if I will have a child, if I will find the partnership I would like, is still present. And then I just think, Gee whiz, do I really want that, AND continue to work this insane job, like wouldn't that feel totally unmanageable. Because my life already feels unmanageable. Slightly.
Today had a fantasy that I spent the first few years of my child's life living on St. John. A slower pace to life.
I just know that I am not a Keiko or a Megan whatever the fuck her name was.
One thing that makes my life do able is having Wednesday afternoons off. I come home and nap for 2 hours with Margot on my lap. Wake up so out of it. Dehydrated, makeup smudged, and then I walked Nico out back. Ran on the treadmill and watched the soccer game from a distance. Listened to Wild flag, Frank ocean, kendrick lamar, and Kraeyshawn.
This little journal of my everyday activities..... useful? or mundane? and banal?
Taking a little pause from my curious little bubble.
It's a few days/weeks later.
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