Coco

Had to leave this weirdly intense 5 week "relationship" that played out mostly over texts. Became weirdly addicted fantasy land, ego addiction to have my phone always blinging up, good morning texts, U are so beautiful texts, I miss u so much texts, wish you were coming home to me texts, i want you texts.

Essentially this situation has taught me how ready I am for something real () and also I am ready to overlook kind of crucial red flags in order to get that something real. And to ignore an accumulation of these things. So, bravo to myself for having my heart open and ready for partnership. But I don't need to lower my standards. I don't need to make excuses for someone. I don't need to feel slightly uncomfortable with something but just "go with it". I felt myself like ready to give him a pass for so much. Oh, he doesn't shower often... Oh, he looks like a fucking slob. Oh, he lets his daughters take a family photo giving the middle finger. Oh, he needs to talk to everyone at the bar but me. Oh, he reaches over and fucking touches me while he is talking to the woman next to us.  Oh, he made 4 fucking children with 2 women. Oh, he says those relationships were "toxic". Right. 

There is an anger welling up in me.  The acupuncturist talks about anger and the bladder. Anger toward men. Toward being female in a male world. Being looked at all my fucking life. Men beeping their horn. Men looking at my body. Men touching my body. Men not satisfying me. I want to crush their testicles. I want to sludge hammer them. 

More on this later, I'm walking to lunch with Paige.