moment

Hm. I've realized that the drop in prolific blogging on my part, or anyones, is probably due to feeling absent while online. Too often this internet has just provided me with filler moments before I actually do things. Same thing, like filler friendships, placecards for actual ones. With information you wouldn't receive by being their actual friend (because that would involve the intimacy of texting, visiting each other, having BBQs, meeting for drinks etc.)

So here I am, june 11 2011, forcing myself to feel present while in a non-place with non-relationships to offer.

I just picked up my 1st farm share of the summer, and even though I received a poor person discount (I did! $200/ season) I still wonder if I will get good use out of it, since it actually compels you to maybe try new recipes with veggies you may not love (KALE? That's like the vegetable hipster kids who grew up on Keebler cookies claims to love now) I myself love brocc, but i guess I can work up an appetite for kale. I came home today with literally 3 types of kale. Maybe dandelion leaves too.
It's like such a "wonderful" thing that white people claim is so great. But of course the doubt voice asks me if I actually would spend $200 on veggies from now until October. Perhaps that's the wrong way of looking at it...
Not to mention it isn't exactly on the way to anything, so it generally requires a special trip out that way.
But whatev. Ask me again in 3 months.

I guess I mustn't discount that money has become a major preoccupation of mine, Normal I guess this time of year. Looking at a glorious summer full of no-income and an uncertain job future! This is how we LIVE.
So now every purchase is scrutinized. Yes, the CSA share probably could have been cut. In Portland my major purchases should involves groceries, the occasional well-deserved night out, but no tattoos it looks like unless I win a scratch off card.

I don't want to jinx anything but after all that prayin + hopin, a way to atttend a teaching seminar for 3 weeks in Quebec presented itself. So now I most certainly am going, the universe helped me out and I'ma ride the wave. Ironically I had already arranged a sublet for myself right close to the university. So I guess I sort of did it backwards, pushing my back to the wind and hoping no one would let me fall.

A new event is that I have moved my bed back to the original position where it was in 2007 when I first met Rem. He is lately sleeping on a yoga mat on the floor and Nico has moved in to Rem's spot at my side. It felt like a true changing of energy, like doing a bit of sweeping, now my nightstand has my books and I can sleep sideways if I want, I can also put my pillow wherever the heck I want. (If you don't know, Nico is my dog :)

There's alot of love between us but things are not quite working with us. A bummer but I'm open to allowing the path to take shape as it may. There is nothing much for me to do than drop the fantasy that Rem was my prince charming, let his life kind of implode, his lack of decisiveness making decisions for him, cutting him off to the power of possibility. Should I write a self-help book? Bless everyone involved.

Ok I'm gonna take a bike ride, maybe run into "Patrick" - a dude that cold-approached me at Whole Foods & asked me out! I gave him my #, but his fingers were shaking so I don't know if he put it into his iphone right. Crazy event, kind of reminds me that it's nice to be a nice young lady in the world.