ya

I've noticed that you have a hostile attitude toward depression (i.e. considering breaking it off w Ian in the beginning... dissing Remy's depression..) and I've had mixed feelings towards that, as someone who has lived with depression on + off for many years. It's not an illness I choose, you know, but like it grips you to the extent that 'exercise'  or 'healthy eating"

It is starting to feel like drawing blood out of a rock or something. Like, you don't want to connect with others deeply because it would mean that they would see YOU for everything you are. My dark days are no secret to those I am close to, and I feel loved and supported for who I am by my true friends. And it's reciprocal. 

Seeing your impatient attitude toward depression has made me realize that you are so opposite to me in some ways -- I am ALL EMPATHY. For better or worse. When someone is rude or yells at me like at work I think about how they must be sad or unfulfilled I hope they can talk to a therapist.  I stayed with Remy for way too long for a weird sense of duty and compassion for him... it took a ton to let it go and be kinder to myself and find a more balanced relationship. Perhaps you think that your "oh snap out of it" mentality toward "sad" people is a strength -- I know you lived it too with your ex -- but it's really unfair to clump everyone who struggles into a "wah wah poor me" category/ your ex was also an addict, no?  But I guess it's been hard to realize that you have little empathy for people -- if they can't keep up with your happy train, then fuck them. 

I'm not trying to hurt you -- just telling you what I'm sensing as your friend -- I think that you favor superficial friendships over deeper ones, because deeper ones require U to totally open up -- dark side + all -- and I feel that you're only willing to show people the sparkly side of you... 

Honestly you said this yourself at our famous birthday lunch in October. 

You'd rather kinda scratch the surface of people, because it's easier ? I don't know.

I find this interesting as you tend to surround yourself with older friends.. That way like observing and learning from them takes the place of you really exchanging with them. 

It makes sense - you're 24 Julie.. no one expects you to have done the living of a 30 years old. 

Anyway I am used to you responding defensively and aggressively toward conflict between us. So that said I want to say these things to you... and you have to know that losing you as a friend has been a really painful thing for me this winter. In fact, while you are busy telling your new boyfriend what a bitchy fuck-up head-case I am, remember that there is a part of me that feels like the girl at recess who no one picked to play on their team. (And who picked instead Ian + Julie) 

Voila. That should be enough vulnerability for today..

T