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New fantasy life....

I must admit that winter was cruel to me to the very end. Warped thinking and negative thought patterns... I haven't always been healthy, but it did kind of reveal to me other people's true colors. I am emotionally open... I lack boundaries sometimes and misread situations. Julie + I started out as friends kind of flirting,... she would tell me i was pretty n stuff... and like hit on me. Then I had a crush on my other friend probably inspired by Julie's free rein sexuality. She started saying "I love you" etc. etc. 

I think there is a reason that I've gone a little over the deep end over her.... it's like I was sort of in love or something, like way too emotionally invested in something that she wasn't. We come to find out. 

She brands herself as someone like so open + wise + kind. She is all of those things on her own terms. Once someone actually responds to her sparkly love with emotional vulnerability, she is totally flipped out, because she knows that she can't reciprocate. So she feels like a false sense of annoyance/ fear. 

Yep. All these years of therapy have made me an armchair Dr. Phil :)

It is about time that I moved on, you think?

The truth is is that this winter I've maybe needed more from all of my relationships than I had a right to expect. Hence people are ushered away from me. It happens. It's sad, but human nature. We don't want who wants us.  Isn't that just about the saddest thing ever?

Probably fatigues from the game of dating, and wintered down, I forgot how to play "the game". Paul was like "we should hang out again" and I was like "yea we should" and then he was like "how's sunday" and then I was like "yes, how's 7 at the dirty truth?" and that was pretty much the kiss of death for whatever reason. 

Then he was like "actually I'm really sick" (he was)

and I was like "oh, feel better"

Then I was like, maybe a photo of me in a bikini top with a sunburn would make u feel better?

he was like "maybe that would be cool" or something

and like, we may as well flush completely, I sent him this pg-13 photo! 

and that is it! 

Modern dating. No more emails or texts from Paul. Funny huh? It's like Feminism told us it was cool to know what U want + go get it. Then dudes are nostalgic for the Victorian Era. Where extreme coyness was in style...

It's perplexing. But I don't think I could have done it differently. 

Believe me -- it had little potential for a serious relationship.

He is basically unemployed (maybe bar backs 1 night at the dive bar), walks around town barefoot with a guitar, wears athletic shorts with tights, got a DUI last year which means he cannot leave the country for a year (?) and does indeed, according to rumor, have an alcohol abuse problem. 

But he is PASSIONATE.... and WILD.... so what can I say I like these kinda guys...

Here's to hoping my wild guy is out there! But preferably he has a job & a car + a bright future!