it's like the old friend concept. Yes you can keep revisiting but you can never muster the courage to connect, again. That's what it is like coming here to write. It's like a friend who no longer speaks your language. The golden days were when josie read this and we kind of encouraged each others writing, stayed abreast of each other's lives. I've dropped the thread.
It's like my life has changed key. I can't hear myself singing any more.
My father -- that has been an emerging topic. I want to reassure him that he has fulfilled his duties - been a great father, a great son, a great brother.. He can be a great man to himself now. He came up in discussion with Debrae. The way he sees the world -- very static -- judgmental -- and that my mother set the model of "acquiescence". I thereafore hide my expansiveness next to the man figure around me. I saw that painfully play out with Remy. I even watched the video. He made a dumb, simple minded joke, and I playfully laughed. My concern was his comfort.
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