Visit from a stranger

Ouf... 

Coucou. 

So many feelings, but every day just blends into the next... until 4, 5, 6 months have passed. 

My best friend is pregnant. This is huge. My partner in hudson valley dating and tinder adventuress met a guy who just stuck.... quickly... moving in w him, out of her apartment in Rosendale, then some daring bold reckless invitations to the universe, and we are at the Korean Spa in march and she tells me the news. In hushed incredulous tones sitting in the sauna. Says she doesn't know if she go through with it. We both know this is the time. 

Now, that embryo has become a little girl as she moves into month 3/4. It's really happening. I can't believe it.

I cried for many hours. Why? Well, I have never had a best friend get pregnant. Just friends or acquaintances, who then slowly move the periphery of my lens, and I theirs. Just such different priorities. Jess, on baby number 3 now. Goodbye. Lizzie, I hated going over to her house and trying to have a conversation w her while Olivia tries to take center stage or gets "jealous" of Mommy's friend. 

So yes, Jen and I  will change, and I am trying to get used to what that will look like. I will never have single or childless Jen as my friend again. I will miss her. Yet at the same time I feel touched and honored to be able to stay on the journey of friendship with her as her life takes a huge turn.

Isn't that cause for celebration? Yes. There is however a large shadow at the moment. I would want my friends to celebrate that news, not wallow in their self-pity, envy and hatred. I'm just having a moment. 

"No one is asking me how I am doing"

-- Funny, this is the voice of my depression

 A part of me has forgotten what I am looking for. I just like to be alone. I like to hold my animals and spend evenings with them. It wavers between me thinking I am "nourishing myself" and I am "depressed".  On one hand I will make myself a shakeology smoothie with tumeric, cinnamon, spirulina, maca, and whatever else. I will read articles about self-sompassion by Sharon Saltzberg. And then that same evening eat chips and guacamole and um, then an entire PINT of ice cream while instagram stalking someone I went to high school with. Ain't self-care grand? And then the next morning I have acupuncture. And a sugar hangover. 

So if I am so busy spending 24 straight hours with myself and need to not speak to anyone, how am I going to date someone? A few fellows recently, I have very clearly cut loose. Sau: "No to both questions. sorry". Then to david: "Not really up for human interaction at the moment." I've been "savage" as the teens say. I just have utterly zero emotional availability. Is that it? 

news

Amazing vacation, doing everything I want to do. This week, hanging around CT, now in Northampton, my former home, staying with Frank. He is at work, I'm just so blessed to have an ex like him. Yesterday got my hair cut/ colored with Rhiannon. Today: river valley co-op, close my FSB account, maybe the hadley mall, etc. etc. 

Next week: going to cleanse my apartment, read Marie Kondo, just prepare for 2017. Then, weekend workshop at Kripalu for New year's weekend. It's the first time ever that I have left town during New Years Eve. Strong statement. Nothing is more important than my spiritual grounding. No party or drinking too much. 

Anxiety: that I don't have enough time. That I'm already too late. That I don't have enough time to do everything I want/ need to do. 

Anxiety eases when I think: time is flexible. Time bends and flexes to accommodate me. There is enough time. 

That I can change the narrative. It's all about the narrative I put onto something. 

I was feeling so gross the other day, thinking about that half eaten hamburger I ate from off the ground. Well, goddammit, I was hungry, and there was nothing else to eat. 

I can the change the narrative. 

But to be honest, I did make a misstep the Friday night of Thanksgiving. Don't even want to talk about it. I feel like I just fell into a fucking man trap. The trap where he is crafty and just makes a series of "moves" toward the final prize: pussy. So anonymous. Could be any pussy. But mine was the fucking horny and deprived one. What was I seeking? Why him? I was seeking connection, I wanted to feel like I am still sexy, the faint prospect of becoming close to someone.

He didn't worship my body or take his time with me, but I kind of set the bar low and didn't demand more from him.  I left thinking "Yay, I got some."... that wore off into a feeling of like embarrassment and shame, that I stooped so low just to get laid... the guy is not attractive to me. But after a few drinks whatever. And I guess that is a human feeling that other people have experienced. 

I kind of hated myself for not honoring my sacred sexuality. As I usually do. Only want sex with connection. Even if that's a casual experience. It must feel meaningful to me. Even if just to get my rocks off. There is a way where the two polarities can co-exist. This night was not one of those times. 

This was confirmed when this piece of shit was trolling for pussy at our faculty party... making a move on my colleague. She had to say "no" twice to him. When she alluded to her bisexuality and not being interested in men

I will not commit to being "celibate" now... like making a detox pledge or something... but as Jessica says, I not commit to "celebrate" my self. And if I need a roll in the hay I can certainly seek that and value myself at the same time. And I can decide that I am seeking partnership, and follow my intuition (like I didn't that night) that this person is probably not worth the 4 minute of this small dicked dude humping me (could hardly feel him inside me) into a condom, this dude who has a Great dane/pitbull mix, beautiful blue BMW, expensive suits and watches, nicely styled hair, all to cover up his small dick and not knowing how to make love to a woman. I'm dissing him, yes, no one will read this, but I know that in dissing him I am dissing myself, and this is my road to healing. And to deal with the anger I am experiencing toward him (bring it back to me, process it, and release it). 

Good thing I came back to Noho yesterday to be made love to like I deserve! Looking forward to another night of that before I return home for Xmas. Thank you! What a voyage I have taken around the moon and back. talk to u soon, going to meet Dorin now at paul + elizabeths. (Her and Deb always want to go there because they both have such sensitive diets or are on a "cleanse". The friends I choose.   

Post-election

Sad, grey, unseasonably warm days. Donald Trump won the election. Perplexing. But I see a humanity in him. I actually do. He's so fascinating. He actually doesn't scare me like Pence does. Just don't touch my reproductive rights and we're good.

Of course I cried for our fallen hero Ms. Rodham Clinton. We all wanted that. We thought it was our moment. It wasn't. 

Difficult to see baby bumps and wedding gowns on facebook, seemingly non-stop.. So there's the part of me who has a supernatural craving to have a child, and then there is the part of me who wants  my freedom and solitude. And then there is the part of me who wants the sperm without the dude. 

OK now it is thxgiving break. 

There was a perplexing 2-month textual relationship, did I tell you? Scary. 

Have anger in me. Toward myself, for not having boundaries. For being too nice to men. A curious new feeling is emerging in me: Hatred, somewhat toward men. I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself. 

I hate that Tyler saw an empty chair next to me when I was out w Jasmine and Justin, then came in, sat down next to me, and basically stared at me until I turned to him and gave a feint smile. What the fuck?

I hate that men interpret "woman alone" with "waiting for a man". And how men seem to recognize only another man as a boundary line they should respect. 

I went to the women's group the other night.... a sacred women's circle in the native american tradition. Women pick up a stone and speak, air their experiences. I spoke about my ambivalence toward partnership, and my growing confusing feelings toward men. 

I'm going through  a period where I want to vent my feminist anger. I want to reject men with no concern to hurting their ego. I want to be able to seek my own pleasure, even if that makes me a "size queen". It matters. I have a right to choose to seek relationships with men with bigger penises than small ones. Is that vanity? 

When I rejected Coco, he unleashed his fury, tried to hurt me. "For 2 months I've told you how beautiful, how special you are to me...." "I wanted 3 years to have a game run on me" "I don't answer to you" (???) "You spend 2 months criticizing every thing about me. If I weren't in such an emotional place with my mom being sick I would have seen through your shallowness and never fallen for you" 

I wish I could tell you even more. It was a mind fuck. I was somehow pulled in. I ignored things I should have not. I gave him the pass. I overlooked his poor spelling and his questionable parenting choices, and his inattention to me. Because I craved intimacy so bad, I think. I even deleted my Tinder! 

I have a right to date someone for a few weeks and decide it's not for me. I have a right to push someone away. And above all, I can have standards and stick to them...

Now I have a colleague whose ego was so bruised from 2 months in intense texting (?) that he ignores me when we cross paths at work. 

going to google Erykah Badu now.

Coco

Had to leave this weirdly intense 5 week "relationship" that played out mostly over texts. Became weirdly addicted fantasy land, ego addiction to have my phone always blinging up, good morning texts, U are so beautiful texts, I miss u so much texts, wish you were coming home to me texts, i want you texts.

Essentially this situation has taught me how ready I am for something real () and also I am ready to overlook kind of crucial red flags in order to get that something real. And to ignore an accumulation of these things. So, bravo to myself for having my heart open and ready for partnership. But I don't need to lower my standards. I don't need to make excuses for someone. I don't need to feel slightly uncomfortable with something but just "go with it". I felt myself like ready to give him a pass for so much. Oh, he doesn't shower often... Oh, he looks like a fucking slob. Oh, he lets his daughters take a family photo giving the middle finger. Oh, he needs to talk to everyone at the bar but me. Oh, he reaches over and fucking touches me while he is talking to the woman next to us.  Oh, he made 4 fucking children with 2 women. Oh, he says those relationships were "toxic". Right. 

There is an anger welling up in me.  The acupuncturist talks about anger and the bladder. Anger toward men. Toward being female in a male world. Being looked at all my fucking life. Men beeping their horn. Men looking at my body. Men touching my body. Men not satisfying me. I want to crush their testicles. I want to sludge hammer them. 

More on this later, I'm walking to lunch with Paige.

A weird time

 Margot on my lap as I write this. "The River" radio on my Roku. Such a hodge podge of paths colliding, always. Remembering that I used to be a Western Massachusetts person. And now I am a CT person. And I was just a Hudson Valley person for a while. 

Made an appt w new doc in NM, 

This afternoon came home, walked nico, then sat down and couldn't bear to get up again. Out into the cold. Sat in a quasi-nap state for an hour. 

Spending a lot of money of acupuncture. 

Eating a lot of the foods that I want to eat. Don't deny. Today, oreo cheesecake with my coff. Yesterday, a PINT of ice cream. Yeah. At 10 pm. In bed by 11. That's a common move. Just go for it so hard. 

I came home from this 3 hour meeting feeling so... burnt out, and like crushed, wanting to cry. On one hand the ever-present question of if I will have a child, if I will find the partnership I would like, is still present. And then I just think, Gee whiz, do I really want that, AND continue to work this insane job, like wouldn't that feel totally unmanageable. Because my life already feels unmanageable. Slightly. 

Today had a fantasy that I spent the first few years of my child's life living on St. John.  A slower pace to life. 

 I just know that I am not a Keiko or a Megan whatever the fuck her name was. 

One thing that makes my life do able is having Wednesday afternoons off. I come home and nap for 2 hours with Margot on my lap. Wake up so out of it. Dehydrated, makeup smudged, and then I walked Nico out back. Ran on the treadmill and watched the soccer game from a distance. Listened to Wild flag, Frank ocean, kendrick lamar, and Kraeyshawn. 

This little journal of my everyday activities..... useful? or mundane? and banal? 

Taking a little pause from my curious little  bubble.

It's a few days/weeks later. 

Sunday

Hi! 

Rare 2 days off from teaching. Such a productive weekend.... much be the "prana" in the September air. Yesterday, got fingerprinted, notary public, mailed my background check thing to Albany, then drove to Beacon for some volleyball, had a veggie burger at Dogwood, vball friend Jared joined me, then I met Vanessa in Newburgh, fun fun fun. Drove home around 10. Then even folded laundry! WTF?

Today, going to finally check out the quaker meeting, then tinder date with another Jared (hike in Kent CT)... 

Been thinking.... about managing my anxiety.... to just "be" in every moment

Update: Quaker meeting starting at 10 not 10:30 so I missed it but went to Stop n Shop instead. 

I am enjoying my new job... it is pushing me to a new level. It's been 2 weeks. Stilll nervous to do an amazing job but... if I can just relax, know that I am doing the best I can every day, and I'm doing fine.

New criteria for dating is that the dude has to be into me. Very into me. No more lukewarm what the fuck guys. 

Managing anxiety. Call the accupuncturist. Go to meditation on Thursday. Read "lolita" ..... Weird, when I read that book a decade or 2 ago, I thought that it was a love story.  Is it? Then on NPR today they were saying that it depicts a villainous child predator. Did I miss something haha.  

journaling

A weird month. 

In Poughkeepsie, in the new apartment, feeling so frazzled and unstable the past month. Awesome dancing night at Speigeltent at Bard. 

What do I want? 

What do I fear? That while my friends are all buying houses and marrying and getting pregnant, I am busy hooking up with 18 year olds, quebecois and French guys, and other "exciting" adventures. None of these experiences lead me to the stability, deep partnership and intimacy that I say that I want. 

Had a hard moment where basically in the same breath speaking to Dave I claimed how ready for partnership I am, how I've investigated why I am drawn to inappropriate situations, how in therapy I really worked on a, b, and c, and then in the same motion went to snapchat with my current teenage pen pal. He asked who i was texting and I told him "oh just some 17 year old". 

Hard to feel that while I spend so much time "working on my inner life", identifying the patterns which lead me to destruction, claiming to be such a know it all about how other people live. And then falling back onto the same slippery slopes that I worked so hard to avoid. It's just disheartening and makes me feel like I have a permanently faulty judgment system. 

Spent Sunday feeling pretty blue about all that. 

Talking to Debrae, I really asked for her help in making this the clean slate. But is that what I say I want just for the sake of my career? Or because I truly disapprove of my own attractions and choices? Yeah, I think it is option 1. As she says, "What you are attracted to doesn't always benefit you". But I do feel pulled down some sketchy roads. Like this strong pull to go there. 

The strategy right now is to prioritize my move and transition to new job. Basically, avoid slippery situations. Grow some distance between Oakwood and me and people I knew here. 

What's also interesting is how my own insecurities and fears I completely projected onto my friends who were there that night. Like I judged myself through their eyes. 

Anyway. It's all a bit dark and hard to see clearly. Good night XO