Primary season

Hilarious. It's saturday evening. I have been inexplicably anxious all day. Biting, eating nails.

Peter sent an invite to his comedy hosting gig in Kingston. I considered it, but felt confused and not sure i wanted to go. So I went from going, not going, inviting Simon, inviting 3 other friends, no one could go, Frank couldn't drive, and i started to feel like confusing about going by myself. I even took a shower and considered going. But then I thought that I could benefit from some "time alone". The alusive "time alone".  So tonight I have stewed in my anxious feeling, did some dishes, listened to Dan Savage (not a full episode), texted  people aimlessly, and then watched the SC and NV primary results come in. I did not write ground breaking new poetry or apply for a grant or update my CV like I said I would. 

I keep thinking that I was to be "keeping my options open" but then in practicality I find dating more than 1 person difficult. So  tonight was my opportunity to keep things going with Peter. But then it would give him more hope that things were moving forward. And after the major make out sesh with Mike on Friday, I am wanting to go in that direction. In his apartment the next time I see him. But people stay tuned, will Mike be able to perform under the pressure of the early relationship intercourse? 

Should I talk to someone? So I feel less like there is something dramatically wrong with me that doesn't afflict other people? 

Anyway, tomorrow I will venture over the bridge to see Dana, have lunch at that hipstery place in Kingston, and then see Mike. should be fun! 2 more weeks until vacation! Think we'll get snow day #3 this week?

XO t

Super bowl 2016

what to say?

I find myself very connected to the vball community-- I played on Saturday with rahul's team, pushed myself, played hard, swung hard, and had a blast. A total blast. 6 months i was trying to figure out how to find a team. Well, I made my own. Amped up my level of play and can't wait to keep going. Now, a few of us are looking at how to make a dream team for next season. 

In the past month or so, I've stopped sleeping with Alex (going nowhere), and realized that I really do want to invest in something real with someone. Many teary moments and even asking Remy if he would help get me pregnant. An awkward conversation with my doctor about sperm donation and other confusion. And then I had HPV, then I didn't, an emotional roller coaster, etc. 

I went out on a few tinder dates with this metalhead guy, Mike. Instant attraction. Smooched on the 1st date. Been smooching more lately, and will see him next weekend. That's the night. But he's young, and lives far, and who knows. Remains a question mark, but he is exciting to me, very heart-on-sleeve and passionate, also has very mainstream ideas about monogamy which touch me yet surprise me. (Is it a given that one takes oneself off of tinder after 2 dates?) 

Then I had something throw a wrench into the mix (a guy I used to date has re-emerged, interesting is trying again, investing) and he and I have a lot of common ground, an ease when we are together, tenderness, he speaks French, russian, and is from Canada, would consider relocation.... has taught private school, went to cornell for Linguistics, enjoys good food, speaks stern to the waiter if we are in a rush and need our check (!), has a dog... ummm, what's the problem here? I can't really explain it, but I don't feel super attracted to him on a physical level. I guess that's the kinda thing that separates friends from lovers. 

Is this the kind of conflict that is what makes women single through their 40s? And then they settle at the last possible moment when they should have settled 5 years earlier sad face fertility problems? 

Anyway. it's all pretty confusing to me. I'm trying to communicate the confusion to people, and not just leave things unsaid. I want to see guy A naked, I want to buy a house with guy B. No the loins should not do the deciding, but I agree it's a good place to start. That desire only goes down. 

After the film in Rbeck, we embraced, and it felt really tender. We had watched "45 years" -- this film about this long term couple and marriage and couplehood. Intense, tender, beautiful film. I want to give him his medications when he is 75 and I'm 65. 

Anyway, I'm rather confused and glad to watch Downton Abbey in 15 minutes!

XO

vacation

I committed my body to the couch this vacation. Enjoying one more night of having no plans and nothing to do. The people i work with are not my friends.

A theme for me lately is this feeling that this little job here in PKpsie is too small-towny for me. This little voice of "you aren't pushing yourself enough" "you arent taking enough risks" -- I've achieved a little stability, and now I see how that feels, and now I feel like I can't take a risk to see if something suits me better or helps me grow. The thought of jumping without a safety net is scary. Money-- the fear of scarcity -- is scary. I spent many years being poor. Not being able to you know, afford those things that middle class white people like-- hair coloring in Northampton, yearly trips to St. John, those $150 boots that I just have to have. Yeah, I've gotten used to feeling like an H + M model living in a North Face catalogue. 

So now I'm just gonna listen to the universe to guide me. Where to go this summer? A month in Quebec city sounds good. Do I need to find some professional reason to be there? Should I spend 1 more year at this job? Should I get certified in NY? Or stay in private schools? Or seek higher ed to be able to teach in university, even junior colleges, and study 2nd language acquisition more? 

Dunno. I'm about to sink further into the couch right now, maybe check out some babes on tinder, let Nico go pee, read a little bit of Kiffe Kiffe Demain, and then probably fall asleep with little fanfare. 

Muah. XOXOX

December

I remember when I was younger I wanted to write more, it was a daily thing.  Youth has that obsession with vanity and perception. Image. It's hard to admit that my professional life kind of takes the priority. Now it's all about the thinking brain, the executive function, and it's like the creative brain is only "when I have no other work to do" or on vacations like this one. Like debrae noticed "my creative chakra is blown out". What she must have meant is the literal "creation" that I do every day for my students, in my lesson and my fucking worksheets and tests that I make up for them. 

I had my physical yesterday. She had me strip down (only to sort of feel my breasts from over the medical gown??) and listen me coughing? Was that necessary? So that I had to answer all of her questions in my unshaved legs and socks. She has a very *professional* bedside manner which comes off as very efficient, sparkly, while also letting me know that any pause I make in my speech or "um" as I go to formulate a question are probably delaying her in her schedule, and also I'm not the one who went to medical school. I wanted to talk about why I wanted to try an antidepressant again, but I know that if I went too far into that she doesn't have the time or interest to deal with that. 

I think it's time. I've been selling myself the "I'm an au naturel type of girl" and declined pills OR therapy OR accupuncture OR whatever else. So I'm doing nothing to manage my growing anxiety and depressive funk. Plus I'm looking for other things in my life to change too. Just want to feel happier and that I have more energy to do things.

Anyway, she gave me a Rx so here we go again.

When the nurse asked a few questions, I felt the urge to cry. When someone asks you how you are and then suddenly you feel vulnerable and realize that you aren't well. She asked me if my 5-HTP is working. I laughed and said "no" hahaha. First time I have said that.

I am developing a fantasy to go to Quebec city next summer. A life where I go away during the summers. 

34 34 34. This number is looming a shadow over me. Why? Do I really want to be 30 pounds heavier and never sleep, struggle financially, etc.? Already? I walk around in a kind of "I know I'm old" cloud, it takes me longer to look good, my hair is out of style, my eye makeup probably makes me look older, to not have the bags under my eyes, I look exhausted because I am exhausted. Because I am 34. I've lived a lot. 

Xmas is really weird this year, with my sister going through a horrible funk. My grandma will ask me the following 2 questions on repeat because of her dementia: "Do you have a boyfriend" "How old are you". I will hopefully answer just once and encourage my relatives to do the same.  I guess I am a slow bloomer in terms of relationships. I am happy to accept that, the uncertainly is just a killer. 

I am sitting here on 12/23, it is 60 degrees but raining, Nico is in his bed sleeping, Margot and candy are on the couch with me.  It is a perfect day for hanging in my sweet new apartment, which is quiet and free of noisy neighbors or bad smells. I have vball tonight and will hopefully grab a bite at twisted soul later. I will maybe run into that girl Zoe and even try to have a new friendship with her!

I miss when I was a better writer. My readers must feel like it's one of those conversations where it's never the time to say "i gotta go" and so your friend just waxes poetic about the nothing that's going on in their life. Cuz I forget the pressing need to express or communicate. 

Do you really need to know how it was awkward to wait forever to have my blood taken only to have that bitchy lady hardly even speak with me like I was a fellow human being. "Make a fist"... she sucks! But who cares?  

 

Fwd: salut

 Rare G period break. Insanely busy lately. 

JV's first game today. Ours tomorrow. This month will hopefully "speed" by but I am concerned that I am living my life with that mantra way too much. Like a living for xmas and spring and summer breaks. "Then" I can relax. 

Even the social things I have going on like cause me stress. Always walking that balance. Like to the point that I am considering cancelling all plans on my birthday because I am afraid I will be too bus and stressed. isn't that lame? This weekend I will meet my "boyfriend's" parents, I put that in quotes because he is moving to Martha's Vineyard in March, possibly before, and I really don't know if I this guy is "the one" but it nice to have some occasional companionship. 

My school is very strange. Telma didn't sit next to me, instead making a student move so that she didn't have to sit next to me. I smiled wide at that. She is so fucking sad. I start to look around and see people so fucking clueless, new faculty coming late or not at all to important meetings, going to Anna to say that they had to go to urgent care or whatever. Because they don't take care of their bodies and get sick. So there I go on a critical spree. Everyone is leading their own life. Everyone is learning their own lessons. Julie with her sob stories about her child needing her so can I just take her attendance for her, etc. 

The subtle question behind alot of this is "Why is this job so demanding." Is this what I want for myself? Will it really get easier next year? Or will they just feel freer to call upon me to do various extra duties even more? Will i be given that nicer housing always being jingled in front of my face? Should I really look into public school teaching? Should I try to TA at new paltz next year? Should I move away from Hudson Valley? 

And the more humming noise in the background of course is, will I find the partnership I so crave, and will I build a family with that person, and when. That's sort of the "question of the day", unfortunately my job leaves little time to ponder such pressing issues. Really would like to know all that, and am now giving the universe the chance to wow me, surprise me, and to leave me breathless. I've said the words, may it now manifest in my life. 

XOXO

lovingkindness (again)

" You have to go swimming with me, or you'll get grounded"

-overheard at Puffers Pond, amherst MA. 

Driving these roads. I have driven them so many times. Western MA is where I became an adult. The bridge from early20s- 30ish. It feels like I am visiting a distant galaxy. At the main light in amherst yesterday, I saw that grey-haired petite guy Jeremy(?) crossing the street. I have seen him cross the street so many times. He must be working at amherst cinema still. At esselon, the wifi password is the same. The same staff. They recognize me. I recognize everyone. I have seen everyone before. At puffer's, women are swimming with their children. Amherst school committee members are gossiping at Cushman's.

A fire siren just made me panicked. That my old apartment with my dear animal friends inside was on fire. That was my instinct always. 

At times I hated living here. I hated the liberal earth friendly people who seemed so alike. I hated how they all were into good vibes yet headed to Trader Joe's in hoardes at the exact same time and all were annoyed when you drove too slow or cut in front of them at Whole Foods. I hated the fucking students who swamped the region with their parents. 

Now, I love all of them. At a distance it is easier to just love the charm of it all. How special it is, this area of the world. Like few others. 

I am another you: In Lak'ech Ala K'in.

So jam packed, these few days. Trying to milk the most of my time here, people people people. Frank, rihannon, maribel, deb, leopoldo, ben, stephen, josie, all in 2 days. And a swim. It's summer. 

What has summer taught me? That's on my mind. How will I weave its lessons into this coming year? Some ideas:

I want to laugh more often. I would like to watch Seinfeld and South Park for this purpose. It should be a daily task. Just watch something at night that makes me laugh.

I want to keep my apt. cleaner. 

I want to keep an "alter" near my bed which is clean of dust/ dirt, where I will keep my crystals and stones displayed and in sunlight's path. 

I want to keep my social life separate from my work life. I want to hang out less with anyone from Oakwood. Except on occasion. They are my colleagues, not my friends. 

I want to have a rich spiritual life. That means: reading things which inspire me/interest me, meditating/ deep breathing, journal writing, etc.

Physical health and attention to my nutrition will help me on my spiritual path. I want to drink only occasionally. I want to not abuse sugar if I am feeling low. I want to eat lots of real, alive food, and keep my system balanced and regular with as needed use of probiotics. That means not abusing coffee in the afternoon either. 

I want to speak french not just in my teaching. I want to make audio blog posts to this blog about whatever. 

I have to pee and meet Cousin Dan for dinner. Peace out people xoxoxox

hello

 Struggling with feelings of envy. I look upstairs, see my new colleague, she has a cat, a "partner", and she has a nicer apartment than mine. Fucking private. And she is "new" at our school so people are trying to woo her, impress her, make her feel lucky, that she was hired. And she got a nice new red car, a hybrid Prius C. Hot red.

And then I saw her leave her apartment. And she is fat. 

My feelings of envy subsided. What the fuck does that mean? 

I want to hate the girl working at this coffeeshop. She never says hello or thank you. And I as a consequence trip over my "sorries", saying sorry for never any fucking reason. Sorry, I only have change. Sorry, I need to pay by debit card. But she is playing Oasis now. So it is hard to hate her. 

She is also fat.  (isn't fat what they want us to call them now?) Not big- boned or other polite lies? Chubby is for children, am I mistaken?

Yesterday I called from bridge traffic on my way to acupuncture. I called the acupuncturist to say that I would likely be late.  I estimated 10 mins late. She told me to not come, and that I would need to pay a late/ no-show fee of $15. We had a tense exchange on the phone. I mailed her her fucking money in the mail today. I made an appt for next Thursday, but I actually think I don't want to work with her again. Her sliding scale fees have gone up 10 dollars now. I feel that she has gotten all hustley. I don't feel that we connect. She asks me how I am managing my stress, I tell her some bullshit about how I am breathing through my feet, she tells me "good". And she sticks her needles in. It's a half hour drive from me. I think i don't want to see her again.

The acupuncturist, coincidentally, is fat.