Post-election

Sad, grey, unseasonably warm days. Donald Trump won the election. Perplexing. But I see a humanity in him. I actually do. He's so fascinating. He actually doesn't scare me like Pence does. Just don't touch my reproductive rights and we're good.

Of course I cried for our fallen hero Ms. Rodham Clinton. We all wanted that. We thought it was our moment. It wasn't. 

Difficult to see baby bumps and wedding gowns on facebook, seemingly non-stop.. So there's the part of me who has a supernatural craving to have a child, and then there is the part of me who wants  my freedom and solitude. And then there is the part of me who wants the sperm without the dude. 

OK now it is thxgiving break. 

There was a perplexing 2-month textual relationship, did I tell you? Scary. 

Have anger in me. Toward myself, for not having boundaries. For being too nice to men. A curious new feeling is emerging in me: Hatred, somewhat toward men. I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself. 

I hate that Tyler saw an empty chair next to me when I was out w Jasmine and Justin, then came in, sat down next to me, and basically stared at me until I turned to him and gave a feint smile. What the fuck?

I hate that men interpret "woman alone" with "waiting for a man". And how men seem to recognize only another man as a boundary line they should respect. 

I went to the women's group the other night.... a sacred women's circle in the native american tradition. Women pick up a stone and speak, air their experiences. I spoke about my ambivalence toward partnership, and my growing confusing feelings toward men. 

I'm going through  a period where I want to vent my feminist anger. I want to reject men with no concern to hurting their ego. I want to be able to seek my own pleasure, even if that makes me a "size queen". It matters. I have a right to choose to seek relationships with men with bigger penises than small ones. Is that vanity? 

When I rejected Coco, he unleashed his fury, tried to hurt me. "For 2 months I've told you how beautiful, how special you are to me...." "I wanted 3 years to have a game run on me" "I don't answer to you" (???) "You spend 2 months criticizing every thing about me. If I weren't in such an emotional place with my mom being sick I would have seen through your shallowness and never fallen for you" 

I wish I could tell you even more. It was a mind fuck. I was somehow pulled in. I ignored things I should have not. I gave him the pass. I overlooked his poor spelling and his questionable parenting choices, and his inattention to me. Because I craved intimacy so bad, I think. I even deleted my Tinder! 

I have a right to date someone for a few weeks and decide it's not for me. I have a right to push someone away. And above all, I can have standards and stick to them...

Now I have a colleague whose ego was so bruised from 2 months in intense texting (?) that he ignores me when we cross paths at work. 

going to google Erykah Badu now.

Coco

Had to leave this weirdly intense 5 week "relationship" that played out mostly over texts. Became weirdly addicted fantasy land, ego addiction to have my phone always blinging up, good morning texts, U are so beautiful texts, I miss u so much texts, wish you were coming home to me texts, i want you texts.

Essentially this situation has taught me how ready I am for something real () and also I am ready to overlook kind of crucial red flags in order to get that something real. And to ignore an accumulation of these things. So, bravo to myself for having my heart open and ready for partnership. But I don't need to lower my standards. I don't need to make excuses for someone. I don't need to feel slightly uncomfortable with something but just "go with it". I felt myself like ready to give him a pass for so much. Oh, he doesn't shower often... Oh, he looks like a fucking slob. Oh, he lets his daughters take a family photo giving the middle finger. Oh, he needs to talk to everyone at the bar but me. Oh, he reaches over and fucking touches me while he is talking to the woman next to us.  Oh, he made 4 fucking children with 2 women. Oh, he says those relationships were "toxic". Right. 

There is an anger welling up in me.  The acupuncturist talks about anger and the bladder. Anger toward men. Toward being female in a male world. Being looked at all my fucking life. Men beeping their horn. Men looking at my body. Men touching my body. Men not satisfying me. I want to crush their testicles. I want to sludge hammer them. 

More on this later, I'm walking to lunch with Paige.

A weird time

 Margot on my lap as I write this. "The River" radio on my Roku. Such a hodge podge of paths colliding, always. Remembering that I used to be a Western Massachusetts person. And now I am a CT person. And I was just a Hudson Valley person for a while. 

Made an appt w new doc in NM, 

This afternoon came home, walked nico, then sat down and couldn't bear to get up again. Out into the cold. Sat in a quasi-nap state for an hour. 

Spending a lot of money of acupuncture. 

Eating a lot of the foods that I want to eat. Don't deny. Today, oreo cheesecake with my coff. Yesterday, a PINT of ice cream. Yeah. At 10 pm. In bed by 11. That's a common move. Just go for it so hard. 

I came home from this 3 hour meeting feeling so... burnt out, and like crushed, wanting to cry. On one hand the ever-present question of if I will have a child, if I will find the partnership I would like, is still present. And then I just think, Gee whiz, do I really want that, AND continue to work this insane job, like wouldn't that feel totally unmanageable. Because my life already feels unmanageable. Slightly. 

Today had a fantasy that I spent the first few years of my child's life living on St. John.  A slower pace to life. 

 I just know that I am not a Keiko or a Megan whatever the fuck her name was. 

One thing that makes my life do able is having Wednesday afternoons off. I come home and nap for 2 hours with Margot on my lap. Wake up so out of it. Dehydrated, makeup smudged, and then I walked Nico out back. Ran on the treadmill and watched the soccer game from a distance. Listened to Wild flag, Frank ocean, kendrick lamar, and Kraeyshawn. 

This little journal of my everyday activities..... useful? or mundane? and banal? 

Taking a little pause from my curious little  bubble.

It's a few days/weeks later. 

Sunday

Hi! 

Rare 2 days off from teaching. Such a productive weekend.... much be the "prana" in the September air. Yesterday, got fingerprinted, notary public, mailed my background check thing to Albany, then drove to Beacon for some volleyball, had a veggie burger at Dogwood, vball friend Jared joined me, then I met Vanessa in Newburgh, fun fun fun. Drove home around 10. Then even folded laundry! WTF?

Today, going to finally check out the quaker meeting, then tinder date with another Jared (hike in Kent CT)... 

Been thinking.... about managing my anxiety.... to just "be" in every moment

Update: Quaker meeting starting at 10 not 10:30 so I missed it but went to Stop n Shop instead. 

I am enjoying my new job... it is pushing me to a new level. It's been 2 weeks. Stilll nervous to do an amazing job but... if I can just relax, know that I am doing the best I can every day, and I'm doing fine.

New criteria for dating is that the dude has to be into me. Very into me. No more lukewarm what the fuck guys. 

Managing anxiety. Call the accupuncturist. Go to meditation on Thursday. Read "lolita" ..... Weird, when I read that book a decade or 2 ago, I thought that it was a love story.  Is it? Then on NPR today they were saying that it depicts a villainous child predator. Did I miss something haha.  

journaling

A weird month. 

In Poughkeepsie, in the new apartment, feeling so frazzled and unstable the past month. Awesome dancing night at Speigeltent at Bard. 

What do I want? 

What do I fear? That while my friends are all buying houses and marrying and getting pregnant, I am busy hooking up with 18 year olds, quebecois and French guys, and other "exciting" adventures. None of these experiences lead me to the stability, deep partnership and intimacy that I say that I want. 

Had a hard moment where basically in the same breath speaking to Dave I claimed how ready for partnership I am, how I've investigated why I am drawn to inappropriate situations, how in therapy I really worked on a, b, and c, and then in the same motion went to snapchat with my current teenage pen pal. He asked who i was texting and I told him "oh just some 17 year old". 

Hard to feel that while I spend so much time "working on my inner life", identifying the patterns which lead me to destruction, claiming to be such a know it all about how other people live. And then falling back onto the same slippery slopes that I worked so hard to avoid. It's just disheartening and makes me feel like I have a permanently faulty judgment system. 

Spent Sunday feeling pretty blue about all that. 

Talking to Debrae, I really asked for her help in making this the clean slate. But is that what I say I want just for the sake of my career? Or because I truly disapprove of my own attractions and choices? Yeah, I think it is option 1. As she says, "What you are attracted to doesn't always benefit you". But I do feel pulled down some sketchy roads. Like this strong pull to go there. 

The strategy right now is to prioritize my move and transition to new job. Basically, avoid slippery situations. Grow some distance between Oakwood and me and people I knew here. 

What's also interesting is how my own insecurities and fears I completely projected onto my friends who were there that night. Like I judged myself through their eyes. 

Anyway. It's all a bit dark and hard to see clearly. Good night XO

my truth

For a few weeks now my voice has felt very shaky. 

After the july 4th event (Did I tell you?).... I'm feeling so great about the result of that conversation. "Tell him boy, bye"

======== a few weeks later...

Summer vacation is flying by but tonight I really feel the need to come home to Poughkeepsie and kind of fall apart. 

Feel like I am going through a series of disappointments recently..

My conference in Tennessee was in some ways so painful. I am an introverted teacher. It's not easy for me to jump in to teacherhood non-stop. At 7 am the teachers are like non stop talking to each other. Why do they have to speak so much? Because I needed all that energy for my workshops and what not, I wasn't feeling very social.

And alex started being distant that week, and then I found out why. And now I am at my parents house watching Portlandia eating ice cream and trying not to imagine him boning someone else. All while not being boned myself. So devastating yes, and also sad that my beach vacation was kind of cancelled due to all that. Debating whether to go to Long Island tomorrow.  I probably will stay home and watch the Ab Fab movie with my mom. 

This summer has definitely been rough. Hoping that my island lover will help me end the summer on a positive note at the end of August. But already, a Fire Island camp trip with girlfriends should help. And this week I've committed to reading a 300 page book... and taking it easy... doing some shopping and eating, and planning my next getaways. 

What helps is remembering that he wasn't the perfect match for me. But I came to love him. But yeah, the passiveness, the messy house, the stuff he needs to work on in therapy, the unstable career, the taking forever to ejaculate. The never having an opinion on where to eat. Gah. So, it's probably for the best. 

Chris taught me that I want to be emotionally supported and cared for in my relationship. Alex taught me that monogamy, clear boundaries, sharing common goals, are things I will value in my next relationship. I also learned that this whole art-school grad faux-progressive "open" mentality is very likely to hurt someone, (me), if only by a little bad timing. Why mess with the heart? 

"The sad thing is, we're better off this way"

Friday gonna go up to the Berkshires to see an old friend Paul, spend a little time up there, then head to Debs in Amherst for the emotional nourishment of female friendship. Blessed. 

Sometimes in the summer I have this feeling of "Gotta travel/do stuff" and sometimes I do just need to sit still. And be bored for a few days. And not put a bra on all day. 

Ok. I'm gonna go watch some Portlandia now. 

where we are at now

That old instinct to push someone away. Why?

To not be seen. Really seen. To not give something a try. Because it is easier to walk away than to risk being SEEN, to risk being HURT, to invest an optimism in something and then feel REJECTED. 

Anyway after meeting chris to tell him what's wrong with him and that we aren't connecting, it turns out he had the emotional maturity to challenge me, respond to me, and we finished the conversation rekindling our chemistry - intellectual and physical - and now we are still on our path and my mentality has certainly changed. I'm sitting with the feelings of desire, vulnerability, desire for connection that kind of makes me open to..... being disappointed or "rejected". But i can't reject myself. I unconditionally love myself and support myself. I am whole yada yada yada. 

And the time we spent together the other night was awesome. He's a fuckin babe. "And even though we both fly

Give each other space and not the evil eye"

It's summer, I am feeling totally open to expressing my passions, interests in languages, travel, health, fitness, music, and staying healthy so that I can live to the fullest. And I'm armed with a better iron supplement so hopefully that will help my energy level. I'm lucky.

And in all the goodness that is going on, I can have a cutie by my side to make all the goodness even sweeter...

Such a vivrant thing...