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soiree bizarre...

I am on my introversion swing...

dinner with Julie, all I can say is AWKWARD. instead of putting a self-judgment on it, I am gonna just go with it..

I feel uncomfortable with her lately. 

it's not all about how she has a boyfriend. 

I see her  intense focus on her goal of launching her bread business, I think that is hard for me to see, because I'm lacking focus in my life. Studying spanish? conversation coffee dates with Maribel? My pimsleur podcasts so ready to be played?

Yeah so the success balance, it's normal if it comes up I think... these things fluctuate..

That's not it. 

She always goes "How have U been??" and there is a way of asking that they totally deflects the attention away from the questioner. It somehow doesn't always feel like an equal exchange. I give, i gave, and now I don't give. Nor does she. So dinner was like  "how have u been" "pretty good" etc. banal shit about work. "so are you still seeing ryan" "no" 

Maybe it's me. 

You know, meeting with people and feeling like it's not "enough" to just be there, being you... That like more energy is required to make the relationship work. 

in 2013... if I had to make a list, some ideas come to mind:

Play in guitar orchestra or at least a band (also, get an acoustic guitar at last)

Move out of the valley, or at least spend much of the summer not here.

Spanish intensive program please. at least a community college class, maybe a conversation partner. It is fun to practice spanish -- YOU LOVE LANGUAGES!!!!! Remember that U truly feel a buzz from  language learning. 

Have a child/ get married to a mystery groom

(you see, I'm not great at that 1 step at a time thing!)

{try to teach pilates??] At least get on a sub list somewhere... it would be great to prove it to yourself that U can do this work.. no one else really cares, thats the weird thing about life... 

Morrissey was right. They don't care, if u live or you die.

The only thing i'm focussing on lately is... reading my kindle book on minimalism. Cleaning my apartment. Parting with things I don't need. Deciding what makes the cut. Revisiting old memories like "aw, remy gave me that sewing machine I never use!" I will let it sit there for 1 more year. And look at it everyday.. 

But truly, I have a hoarding problem with toiletries. Do you??

My bathroom cabinet is embarassing. Loristat for fungal infection I maybe had that one time. Waxing lotion + the family size container of wax strips.... Sooo many mediocre shampoos. Guess what.  My hair looks great when I use that Aveda Conditioner for Blondes. it was like 20 bucks... but maybe that is why it works well. 

Does the salvation army accept used hair/ skin products? Because i would hate to see my junk go into the garbage can. 

Guess what tami? You have to USE the things that you buy. Just because your royal jelly day cream costs 15 bucks doesn't mean U have to take a frugal little dab every 3 days u use it. 

The lady at Sephora drilled into U the importance of cleansers + moisturizing!!! It's winter, honey! Moisturise that face!

U can use what U buy for yourself. 

And then when it is all gone you can choose what to get next. 

But fucking use things. That is why you buy them no?

g2g