9 pm

Should go to bed early tonight, be fresh for day 2 of AP seminar. 

Strangely, today I found myself rolling my eyes, feeling like i knew half of what she was saying. She LOVES to talk...

It's as though, perhaps, this work is sort of weighing on me. Not sure if the joy is still there. And when people ask me if I have a francophone parent, or am canadian, cuz "my french is really good"... it's like where does this shining star fall? Is it really  in teaching? 

But whatever, for now the vacations are good. 

In one more year, I do not want to be living in a dorm. So, there's that. Or, doing the yearbook.  So, one more year. Speaking to Sarah today, she was telling me a

Interested in david's texts, but now he is in LA and very busy working (it seems). 

Today I made like a cartoon relaying the story of Laurence. Felt good. Seeing two stick figures like in cunnilingus and other positions, then the Uber and the texts and the car leaving Quebec. Finally heard a word from him today, and I am able to put a harrowing few days of self-doubt and being desperate for validation to rest. He is fine. I am fine. I am on my path. The wound that he slightly opened, however, will remain. 

And, I wanted to hop into bed with him, I wanted everything that happened. I wanted to live life. And I also wanted to leave and call my Uber (nice guy named Mathieu in a VW), and sleep in my bed, and wake up feeling good, and go back to my professional life, and have a good memory of this sweet bartender who is like me, and like you, and we are all alike. We want connection. We want to be touched and touch someone. 

Today, talking about Quebec I was the most filled with joy while talking about my crazy night in Montcalm with Mike Audrey and Eli. Drinking 40s of Labatt (yeah...) and the rounds of shots.... and leaving the bar at 4 am when the SUN IS UP. One of these nights. And Deb helped me, that my awkward feelings are unfounded. 

Onward. Forward.

Want to ask Debrae about why my left shoulder hurts when I am around certain people. 

Off to toothbrush land!

quebec

 Eh ben, je suis la.... Je vis ma vie ici. Je suis quelque part de different. Memes phantomes meme souliers. 

Demain: bike bike a bit. Maybe stop at Noctem and drink a Kombucha. Weather so weird here. Sunny then rain 10 minutes later. Bipolaire

Yes, it will be nice to get back to my grounding place. August remains wide open. 

Thoughts of Cbury. Unfollowed them on instagram. It is not my culture there. On some level I know that 1 more year is all I need there. And then I forget the passion, why I am living in the dorm and doing the yearbook, what is the trade off ? Besides self-flagellation ?

Then meeting students, I am reminded. 

Walking thru the streets today in a sort of talking therapy with myself. Don't care about being the woman talking to herself in English while climbing from Upper to Lower town, slowly. 

Topics of self-therapy today were: Guy from yesterday "Adam", and Paige.

Still. 

Themes: Where do I end and another begin. Why am I afraid of losing my footing. Or someone infringing on my light? No one can do that. Only I can do that. I infringe on my light. If I feel threatened or diminished. But it can be another way. I can be secure in who I am, my light still shines bright, even if there is cliqueyness or a guy who tried to kiss me then give me advice on how I shouldn't give mixed messages by like licking my lips or playing with my hair. And then leave basically without a goodbye even! True story. 

I guess: I got what I wanted out the evening. A companion to have a beer or 2 in St Roch since we are both traveling alone. But there was a price to pay, I suppose. And I knew I risked that. Going in I thought "I know what my objectives are for tonight, and if he is on a different page then that won't affect my experience because I am strong in my footing." Well, that sort of happened. And maybe I was less stable than I thought cuz I spent 2 days thinking about it and hating him and feeling anger toward him. That anger directed at him, which hurts only ME. 

Today I read this insufferable book about "clearing" energy in people and places. And she tells us that the emotional cripples or invalids are hard to spot in society. The emotionally unhealthy. They aren't in a wheelchair like the physically disabled. So you don't really know. Trust the guardian of the heart. 

A theme: I feel angry at a guy when I was not attracted to him or interested from the beginning. Noticing his bad breath, smokers mouth, white saliva (like Ryan), nomad, last minute, English speaking, took a dog on a 18 hour road trip (???) disgusted by his mouth and not turned on by his body. There's the post-mortem analysis. I could have classified it before I opened my circle of light to him. Hearing his tales of how every date he's had has "gone bad"..... well who is the common denominator in all that? But is that my job to give a shit about that ?

I feel "mad" when I open myself to someone and their standard of behavior turns out to be lower than mine. But I am still strong in my own energy, am I not ?? I feel mad, like their took a little of my energy. My own energy management, I can do it, no one can take it without my consent. And my boundaries were strong when he went to kiss me, I recoiled immediately, and said no , made a gesutre that I wasn't interested in that. Why would he even go there? That's where it started to unfold. He later told me that he had been texting w a friend about how he went for a kiss and it didn't go well. Like women are a fucking board game. A challenge of ingenuity, timing, and playing the right cards. On the path to their pussy (hoped for outcome). How are you gonna get their number. Having a dog usually works, so he'll get a dog. He'll model for art classes.  All on the calculated pathway toward the desired outcome. 

That's enough man hating for tonight. 

 Yeah, it's about my own boundaries for sure. 

Visit from a stranger

Ouf... 

Coucou. 

So many feelings, but every day just blends into the next... until 4, 5, 6 months have passed. 

My best friend is pregnant. This is huge. My partner in hudson valley dating and tinder adventuress met a guy who just stuck.... quickly... moving in w him, out of her apartment in Rosendale, then some daring bold reckless invitations to the universe, and we are at the Korean Spa in march and she tells me the news. In hushed incredulous tones sitting in the sauna. Says she doesn't know if she go through with it. We both know this is the time. 

Now, that embryo has become a little girl as she moves into month 3/4. It's really happening. I can't believe it.

I cried for many hours. Why? Well, I have never had a best friend get pregnant. Just friends or acquaintances, who then slowly move the periphery of my lens, and I theirs. Just such different priorities. Jess, on baby number 3 now. Goodbye. Lizzie, I hated going over to her house and trying to have a conversation w her while Olivia tries to take center stage or gets "jealous" of Mommy's friend. 

So yes, Jen and I  will change, and I am trying to get used to what that will look like. I will never have single or childless Jen as my friend again. I will miss her. Yet at the same time I feel touched and honored to be able to stay on the journey of friendship with her as her life takes a huge turn.

Isn't that cause for celebration? Yes. There is however a large shadow at the moment. I would want my friends to celebrate that news, not wallow in their self-pity, envy and hatred. I'm just having a moment. 

"No one is asking me how I am doing"

-- Funny, this is the voice of my depression

 A part of me has forgotten what I am looking for. I just like to be alone. I like to hold my animals and spend evenings with them. It wavers between me thinking I am "nourishing myself" and I am "depressed".  On one hand I will make myself a shakeology smoothie with tumeric, cinnamon, spirulina, maca, and whatever else. I will read articles about self-sompassion by Sharon Saltzberg. And then that same evening eat chips and guacamole and um, then an entire PINT of ice cream while instagram stalking someone I went to high school with. Ain't self-care grand? And then the next morning I have acupuncture. And a sugar hangover. 

So if I am so busy spending 24 straight hours with myself and need to not speak to anyone, how am I going to date someone? A few fellows recently, I have very clearly cut loose. Sau: "No to both questions. sorry". Then to david: "Not really up for human interaction at the moment." I've been "savage" as the teens say. I just have utterly zero emotional availability. Is that it? 

news

Amazing vacation, doing everything I want to do. This week, hanging around CT, now in Northampton, my former home, staying with Frank. He is at work, I'm just so blessed to have an ex like him. Yesterday got my hair cut/ colored with Rhiannon. Today: river valley co-op, close my FSB account, maybe the hadley mall, etc. etc. 

Next week: going to cleanse my apartment, read Marie Kondo, just prepare for 2017. Then, weekend workshop at Kripalu for New year's weekend. It's the first time ever that I have left town during New Years Eve. Strong statement. Nothing is more important than my spiritual grounding. No party or drinking too much. 

Anxiety: that I don't have enough time. That I'm already too late. That I don't have enough time to do everything I want/ need to do. 

Anxiety eases when I think: time is flexible. Time bends and flexes to accommodate me. There is enough time. 

That I can change the narrative. It's all about the narrative I put onto something. 

I was feeling so gross the other day, thinking about that half eaten hamburger I ate from off the ground. Well, goddammit, I was hungry, and there was nothing else to eat. 

I can the change the narrative. 

But to be honest, I did make a misstep the Friday night of Thanksgiving. Don't even want to talk about it. I feel like I just fell into a fucking man trap. The trap where he is crafty and just makes a series of "moves" toward the final prize: pussy. So anonymous. Could be any pussy. But mine was the fucking horny and deprived one. What was I seeking? Why him? I was seeking connection, I wanted to feel like I am still sexy, the faint prospect of becoming close to someone.

He didn't worship my body or take his time with me, but I kind of set the bar low and didn't demand more from him.  I left thinking "Yay, I got some."... that wore off into a feeling of like embarrassment and shame, that I stooped so low just to get laid... the guy is not attractive to me. But after a few drinks whatever. And I guess that is a human feeling that other people have experienced. 

I kind of hated myself for not honoring my sacred sexuality. As I usually do. Only want sex with connection. Even if that's a casual experience. It must feel meaningful to me. Even if just to get my rocks off. There is a way where the two polarities can co-exist. This night was not one of those times. 

This was confirmed when this piece of shit was trolling for pussy at our faculty party... making a move on my colleague. She had to say "no" twice to him. When she alluded to her bisexuality and not being interested in men

I will not commit to being "celibate" now... like making a detox pledge or something... but as Jessica says, I not commit to "celebrate" my self. And if I need a roll in the hay I can certainly seek that and value myself at the same time. And I can decide that I am seeking partnership, and follow my intuition (like I didn't that night) that this person is probably not worth the 4 minute of this small dicked dude humping me (could hardly feel him inside me) into a condom, this dude who has a Great dane/pitbull mix, beautiful blue BMW, expensive suits and watches, nicely styled hair, all to cover up his small dick and not knowing how to make love to a woman. I'm dissing him, yes, no one will read this, but I know that in dissing him I am dissing myself, and this is my road to healing. And to deal with the anger I am experiencing toward him (bring it back to me, process it, and release it). 

Good thing I came back to Noho yesterday to be made love to like I deserve! Looking forward to another night of that before I return home for Xmas. Thank you! What a voyage I have taken around the moon and back. talk to u soon, going to meet Dorin now at paul + elizabeths. (Her and Deb always want to go there because they both have such sensitive diets or are on a "cleanse". The friends I choose.   

Post-election

Sad, grey, unseasonably warm days. Donald Trump won the election. Perplexing. But I see a humanity in him. I actually do. He's so fascinating. He actually doesn't scare me like Pence does. Just don't touch my reproductive rights and we're good.

Of course I cried for our fallen hero Ms. Rodham Clinton. We all wanted that. We thought it was our moment. It wasn't. 

Difficult to see baby bumps and wedding gowns on facebook, seemingly non-stop.. So there's the part of me who has a supernatural craving to have a child, and then there is the part of me who wants  my freedom and solitude. And then there is the part of me who wants the sperm without the dude. 

OK now it is thxgiving break. 

There was a perplexing 2-month textual relationship, did I tell you? Scary. 

Have anger in me. Toward myself, for not having boundaries. For being too nice to men. A curious new feeling is emerging in me: Hatred, somewhat toward men. I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself. 

I hate that Tyler saw an empty chair next to me when I was out w Jasmine and Justin, then came in, sat down next to me, and basically stared at me until I turned to him and gave a feint smile. What the fuck?

I hate that men interpret "woman alone" with "waiting for a man". And how men seem to recognize only another man as a boundary line they should respect. 

I went to the women's group the other night.... a sacred women's circle in the native american tradition. Women pick up a stone and speak, air their experiences. I spoke about my ambivalence toward partnership, and my growing confusing feelings toward men. 

I'm going through  a period where I want to vent my feminist anger. I want to reject men with no concern to hurting their ego. I want to be able to seek my own pleasure, even if that makes me a "size queen". It matters. I have a right to choose to seek relationships with men with bigger penises than small ones. Is that vanity? 

When I rejected Coco, he unleashed his fury, tried to hurt me. "For 2 months I've told you how beautiful, how special you are to me...." "I wanted 3 years to have a game run on me" "I don't answer to you" (???) "You spend 2 months criticizing every thing about me. If I weren't in such an emotional place with my mom being sick I would have seen through your shallowness and never fallen for you" 

I wish I could tell you even more. It was a mind fuck. I was somehow pulled in. I ignored things I should have not. I gave him the pass. I overlooked his poor spelling and his questionable parenting choices, and his inattention to me. Because I craved intimacy so bad, I think. I even deleted my Tinder! 

I have a right to date someone for a few weeks and decide it's not for me. I have a right to push someone away. And above all, I can have standards and stick to them...

Now I have a colleague whose ego was so bruised from 2 months in intense texting (?) that he ignores me when we cross paths at work. 

going to google Erykah Badu now.

Coco

Had to leave this weirdly intense 5 week "relationship" that played out mostly over texts. Became weirdly addicted fantasy land, ego addiction to have my phone always blinging up, good morning texts, U are so beautiful texts, I miss u so much texts, wish you were coming home to me texts, i want you texts.

Essentially this situation has taught me how ready I am for something real () and also I am ready to overlook kind of crucial red flags in order to get that something real. And to ignore an accumulation of these things. So, bravo to myself for having my heart open and ready for partnership. But I don't need to lower my standards. I don't need to make excuses for someone. I don't need to feel slightly uncomfortable with something but just "go with it". I felt myself like ready to give him a pass for so much. Oh, he doesn't shower often... Oh, he looks like a fucking slob. Oh, he lets his daughters take a family photo giving the middle finger. Oh, he needs to talk to everyone at the bar but me. Oh, he reaches over and fucking touches me while he is talking to the woman next to us.  Oh, he made 4 fucking children with 2 women. Oh, he says those relationships were "toxic". Right. 

There is an anger welling up in me.  The acupuncturist talks about anger and the bladder. Anger toward men. Toward being female in a male world. Being looked at all my fucking life. Men beeping their horn. Men looking at my body. Men touching my body. Men not satisfying me. I want to crush their testicles. I want to sludge hammer them. 

More on this later, I'm walking to lunch with Paige.

A weird time

 Margot on my lap as I write this. "The River" radio on my Roku. Such a hodge podge of paths colliding, always. Remembering that I used to be a Western Massachusetts person. And now I am a CT person. And I was just a Hudson Valley person for a while. 

Made an appt w new doc in NM, 

This afternoon came home, walked nico, then sat down and couldn't bear to get up again. Out into the cold. Sat in a quasi-nap state for an hour. 

Spending a lot of money of acupuncture. 

Eating a lot of the foods that I want to eat. Don't deny. Today, oreo cheesecake with my coff. Yesterday, a PINT of ice cream. Yeah. At 10 pm. In bed by 11. That's a common move. Just go for it so hard. 

I came home from this 3 hour meeting feeling so... burnt out, and like crushed, wanting to cry. On one hand the ever-present question of if I will have a child, if I will find the partnership I would like, is still present. And then I just think, Gee whiz, do I really want that, AND continue to work this insane job, like wouldn't that feel totally unmanageable. Because my life already feels unmanageable. Slightly. 

Today had a fantasy that I spent the first few years of my child's life living on St. John.  A slower pace to life. 

 I just know that I am not a Keiko or a Megan whatever the fuck her name was. 

One thing that makes my life do able is having Wednesday afternoons off. I come home and nap for 2 hours with Margot on my lap. Wake up so out of it. Dehydrated, makeup smudged, and then I walked Nico out back. Ran on the treadmill and watched the soccer game from a distance. Listened to Wild flag, Frank ocean, kendrick lamar, and Kraeyshawn. 

This little journal of my everyday activities..... useful? or mundane? and banal? 

Taking a little pause from my curious little  bubble.

It's a few days/weeks later. 

Sunday

Hi! 

Rare 2 days off from teaching. Such a productive weekend.... much be the "prana" in the September air. Yesterday, got fingerprinted, notary public, mailed my background check thing to Albany, then drove to Beacon for some volleyball, had a veggie burger at Dogwood, vball friend Jared joined me, then I met Vanessa in Newburgh, fun fun fun. Drove home around 10. Then even folded laundry! WTF?

Today, going to finally check out the quaker meeting, then tinder date with another Jared (hike in Kent CT)... 

Been thinking.... about managing my anxiety.... to just "be" in every moment

Update: Quaker meeting starting at 10 not 10:30 so I missed it but went to Stop n Shop instead. 

I am enjoying my new job... it is pushing me to a new level. It's been 2 weeks. Stilll nervous to do an amazing job but... if I can just relax, know that I am doing the best I can every day, and I'm doing fine.

New criteria for dating is that the dude has to be into me. Very into me. No more lukewarm what the fuck guys. 

Managing anxiety. Call the accupuncturist. Go to meditation on Thursday. Read "lolita" ..... Weird, when I read that book a decade or 2 ago, I thought that it was a love story.  Is it? Then on NPR today they were saying that it depicts a villainous child predator. Did I miss something haha.  

journaling

A weird month. 

In Poughkeepsie, in the new apartment, feeling so frazzled and unstable the past month. Awesome dancing night at Speigeltent at Bard. 

What do I want? 

What do I fear? That while my friends are all buying houses and marrying and getting pregnant, I am busy hooking up with 18 year olds, quebecois and French guys, and other "exciting" adventures. None of these experiences lead me to the stability, deep partnership and intimacy that I say that I want. 

Had a hard moment where basically in the same breath speaking to Dave I claimed how ready for partnership I am, how I've investigated why I am drawn to inappropriate situations, how in therapy I really worked on a, b, and c, and then in the same motion went to snapchat with my current teenage pen pal. He asked who i was texting and I told him "oh just some 17 year old". 

Hard to feel that while I spend so much time "working on my inner life", identifying the patterns which lead me to destruction, claiming to be such a know it all about how other people live. And then falling back onto the same slippery slopes that I worked so hard to avoid. It's just disheartening and makes me feel like I have a permanently faulty judgment system. 

Spent Sunday feeling pretty blue about all that. 

Talking to Debrae, I really asked for her help in making this the clean slate. But is that what I say I want just for the sake of my career? Or because I truly disapprove of my own attractions and choices? Yeah, I think it is option 1. As she says, "What you are attracted to doesn't always benefit you". But I do feel pulled down some sketchy roads. Like this strong pull to go there. 

The strategy right now is to prioritize my move and transition to new job. Basically, avoid slippery situations. Grow some distance between Oakwood and me and people I knew here. 

What's also interesting is how my own insecurities and fears I completely projected onto my friends who were there that night. Like I judged myself through their eyes. 

Anyway. It's all a bit dark and hard to see clearly. Good night XO

my truth

For a few weeks now my voice has felt very shaky. 

After the july 4th event (Did I tell you?).... I'm feeling so great about the result of that conversation. "Tell him boy, bye"

======== a few weeks later...

Summer vacation is flying by but tonight I really feel the need to come home to Poughkeepsie and kind of fall apart. 

Feel like I am going through a series of disappointments recently..

My conference in Tennessee was in some ways so painful. I am an introverted teacher. It's not easy for me to jump in to teacherhood non-stop. At 7 am the teachers are like non stop talking to each other. Why do they have to speak so much? Because I needed all that energy for my workshops and what not, I wasn't feeling very social.

And alex started being distant that week, and then I found out why. And now I am at my parents house watching Portlandia eating ice cream and trying not to imagine him boning someone else. All while not being boned myself. So devastating yes, and also sad that my beach vacation was kind of cancelled due to all that. Debating whether to go to Long Island tomorrow.  I probably will stay home and watch the Ab Fab movie with my mom. 

This summer has definitely been rough. Hoping that my island lover will help me end the summer on a positive note at the end of August. But already, a Fire Island camp trip with girlfriends should help. And this week I've committed to reading a 300 page book... and taking it easy... doing some shopping and eating, and planning my next getaways. 

What helps is remembering that he wasn't the perfect match for me. But I came to love him. But yeah, the passiveness, the messy house, the stuff he needs to work on in therapy, the unstable career, the taking forever to ejaculate. The never having an opinion on where to eat. Gah. So, it's probably for the best. 

Chris taught me that I want to be emotionally supported and cared for in my relationship. Alex taught me that monogamy, clear boundaries, sharing common goals, are things I will value in my next relationship. I also learned that this whole art-school grad faux-progressive "open" mentality is very likely to hurt someone, (me), if only by a little bad timing. Why mess with the heart? 

"The sad thing is, we're better off this way"

Friday gonna go up to the Berkshires to see an old friend Paul, spend a little time up there, then head to Debs in Amherst for the emotional nourishment of female friendship. Blessed. 

Sometimes in the summer I have this feeling of "Gotta travel/do stuff" and sometimes I do just need to sit still. And be bored for a few days. And not put a bra on all day. 

Ok. I'm gonna go watch some Portlandia now. 

where we are at now

That old instinct to push someone away. Why?

To not be seen. Really seen. To not give something a try. Because it is easier to walk away than to risk being SEEN, to risk being HURT, to invest an optimism in something and then feel REJECTED. 

Anyway after meeting chris to tell him what's wrong with him and that we aren't connecting, it turns out he had the emotional maturity to challenge me, respond to me, and we finished the conversation rekindling our chemistry - intellectual and physical - and now we are still on our path and my mentality has certainly changed. I'm sitting with the feelings of desire, vulnerability, desire for connection that kind of makes me open to..... being disappointed or "rejected". But i can't reject myself. I unconditionally love myself and support myself. I am whole yada yada yada. 

And the time we spent together the other night was awesome. He's a fuckin babe. "And even though we both fly

Give each other space and not the evil eye"

It's summer, I am feeling totally open to expressing my passions, interests in languages, travel, health, fitness, music, and staying healthy so that I can live to the fullest. And I'm armed with a better iron supplement so hopefully that will help my energy level. I'm lucky.

And in all the goodness that is going on, I can have a cutie by my side to make all the goodness even sweeter...

Such a vivrant thing...

therapeute

11 am appointment today. Amazing work. It took a few sessions to adjust to her but I am really getting something out of our sessions.

"you have a hard time asserting your own power"

"Instead of risking rejection or 'being seen', you would rather keep them at bay" 

Hence the attractions to the people who cannot truly 'see me". 

She thinks that chris is uncomfortable for me because I don't have the control. Not sure if his lifestyle is conducive to a sustenant relationship. But I am attracted to him. But I have the urge to "break up with him" just like Frank did me in 2012.

Yeah, and he has roommates... it's a financial concern... so no privacy at his house, and honestly they don't exactly inspire me. 

Just like I don't want to tell him I don't like being fucked that hard and am not into his kinky requests, I also avoid the conversation of "how we are evolving", and "here are my concerns". Just to be open to what he says. 

I hope to initiate that convo some night this week. 

After reading Alice's cool zine "poems about girls".... I feel inspired to write some poems about men... kind of about my hatred for them and love of crushing their testicles. Kind of a potent area where I can explore my anger... and assert my power. When I think about Chris I think about this specifically male way of being in the world. All about him and his cock. All the porno he grew up on has taught him that to please a woman you just fuck her hard. 

And the wildest thing today... Mike is "in a relationship" on FB! It's only been 2 weeks! I'm almost broken up w someone in these 2 weeks!! Wild. Battled feelings of disappointment, but intuitively knew that he's not the right one for me. So I'm happy for him... she seems more mainstream and younger than me. No more trying to pretend he understands what tempeh is. 

see into me

you want me to fuck you with my vibrator? 

You want to have some of my ibruprofen to prepare for your workout tomorrow? Cuz u left yours at work?

You want me to watch you jerk off and cup your balls until you come?

You want me to  sit on your face while you jerk off?  

you want me to stick my finger in your butthole while you fuck me?

You want me to be so awesome, and so amazing, and have interesting interests, and have a rich social life that I hardly need you? 

You want me to fit so perfectly into your google calendar? 

You want me to never demand too much of you emotionally?

I don't know if I am gonna do these things for u. Except sit on your face. 

"dear john"

Hey. I wanted to write to you after today. I guess I'm wondering what's wrong, but I probably know. 

It does feel to me that we are probably on different paths. After our conversation last week, it seemed hopeful that we could continue on, be open and communicate etc. But I really can't do it. I don't have the sexual energy or emotional energy available to give to 2 different people. There were the long-distance guys I told you about, but there is another one who is local. It would be splitting hairs to say that things haven't exactly gotten sexual, but it's definitely going to. And it's been recent and hard to know exactly how to communicate it to you. So no, I'm not saying that like he's the one or something, but I do want to give it my energy right now, because I've discovered that trying to multi-task at this does NOT work for me. 

Did you have a date Saturday? I am very intuitive...

I have a feeling that our purpose in each others' lives was about awakening us sexually. Going through our early dating revealed to me that I do indeed have a sex drive and WANT to connect with someone on that plane, as well as emotionally. It's important to me. I didn't always believe that. And then honestly, the sex was great with you, and yeah, it doesn't sit right that we got there so briefly... gave us just  a taste of something awesome. But I don't know how else to frame it. 

senior

Tomorrow is the last day of school. It's a day we all revere throughout the year. June 10. All will be beautiful, we will be carefree. 

Here I am the night of, and I am feeling all kinds of feelings. Impending anxiety. Yes, that I won't have my emotional life filler or teenagers. 

in my personal life, it's lookin good with Chris. But it's also lookin good with Mike. 

In therapy, a great concept was unveiled. That I get a high off of "validation", and this has played out in both relationships to students and peers. A "quick hit". 

VALIDATION. I feel validated when a 17 yr old has the hots for me. I feel validated when a colleague wants to bang me. 

Underneath, perhaps is lurking a belief that I'm not all that great. Maybe? 

Why do I need the validation? That I am pretty, or sexy, or creatively relevant? 

These little micro-seconds of seeing my journey with Chris. If he doesn't text and I'm feeling emotionally fragile, the places my mind jumps to.. 

Wanting to 'make plans" and 'speak my heart" to him and then having the withdrawing impulse. To act aloof or distant because I think it is a safer bet than emotional vulnerability.

That *no fear* thing would be useful. 

And also, I'm not religious, but I need to let "God" take care of it. He will guide me to the right relationship. The one that will make me grow and the one that will help my  energy vibration on this Earth to get higher. And if that's Chris, awesome. If not, awesome. 

5 juin

The angel card reading today was "Simplicity".... try to imagine something that has been a burden in your life, imagine it being lifted, how much you feel relieved, and then that will help for a creative solution to manifest and for your life to simplify.

"Your ego will tell you that a simple life if boring or lacking in prestige. But your body and soul will tell you that they crave simplicity for health and happiness."

Something new has come into my life. And now I would like to focus on just that. I feel like diving in actually. No other distractions. I can feel it, intuitively. I just want one thing. Not several. Not my phone blinging up with guys wanting a weekend night with me. 

But last night I didn't communicate well, and I still have a distraction in my life. And I wasn't honest. I told him a lot. But not everything. And now I will kiss 2 pair of lips this weekend, when really I want to focus on only one pair of lips. 

I burned sage in my house last night after Mike left. I slept v well. 

Mike has been in a dark period. The car, the injury at work, the rental, the insurance issue, then all those things he told me about those 2 twisted sexual experiences he had. Ouch. He is feeling blue. I was staring at him and listening to his words just like I used to do with Remy and whoever else. Listening to their sad little stories. Listening and making them feel heard. Having patience. When I came out with an abrupt "I think we should take a breather" he didn't respond well. So I like back-pedaled and pussied out so to speak. And let him think that there was maybe a future between us. 

I have this little nest here. This beautiful space. And students are about to leave. Just my little sanctuary. I want to enjoy every moment here. And prepare myself for the next chapter. Cleanse. Purge. Travel lightly with the essentials. 

I don't have time for being half in a few different things. 

I haven't really told you about Chris. We have been on a few dates. The vibe is good. He is like "together".... and even like a gentleman in a way which usually annoys me. All I can think is that, I haven't been ready for a guy like him before now. I haven't felt worthy. I shied away when a guy talked about our relationship lasting on the long-term. That was easier, less risk. And here is this 30-year old with a good job at vassar who owns a fricking HOUSE.... where typically I would find something wrong with him so I had an excuse to walk away. And I find myself interested. 

I was reading Janne's poetry about how she wants a man whose mountain is as big as hers. That is exactly what I want. But so often I would be intimidated by a guy like that. So I went for losers, where it was easy to know where I stood. And they always had time open for me. And they struggled in their lives, and I was so happy to bend over to give them a hand. Instead of raising my vibration and build my own palace. And now I am ready to build a palace with a guy who has a high energy vibration too. Who is excited about life. Who is on a trajectory upward. 

I gotta get ready for the New Paltz pride parade now. Taking a few students. Muah. XOXO

want

sneezy day today. Dunno why. 

Go forward wth our path. 

Friday, went to chiropractor, then dinner w my dad, then saw my mom acting in a new play. slept over in brewster, did some laundry, hung around, and then came home.

Had mike over on saturday, kind of a last minute plan. Did i tell u about thursday? I stopped by his metal show on my way home from Keegans. he was surprised to see me. We smooched a bit outside and the fire was re-ignited. I had thought that the window had closed to fuck me, but it turns out it is still open. He made no haste on saturday and we had an awesome time together. 

Next weekend looks like we have another fun plan. 

Sunday I took care of some business. I am writing a check to the town of hadley and learned a lesson. All hail the bureaucracy. I also found a DVD for my french AP class. I hope they like it. I am so done teaching them.  

Nico seems to have arthritis or a slight limp. I am concerned. But arthritis would be the best scenario. Lyme or something else would be annoying. It seems that walking is a bit tough for him now. I will see it through. I did look up veterinary acupuncturists :) Anything for my sweet boy. 

I am now wondering, what do i want what do i want what do I want. Do I just need to communicate my desire to be open? Do I really want to be open? And if I go to MV to see alex, is he still my primary partner, or now is Mike? And what happens when my island boy visits this summer? I have to figure this all out, or is it supposed to be natural? Shouldn't I be gravitating toward a single-partner monogamy?  Not sure.

Ok I am gonna relax for a bit before game of thrones. 

XO 

may may

the energy is still in a volatile place lately. I got through one more week. 

Spoke to the pet psychic this week, lost my Skagen watch :( but maybe it is still out there. Have asked the universe to guide it back to me. Please. Ordered a new one on swatch.com. but it's not elegant like mine. Played some vball. Felt nervous

the list

hunter

matt C

victor

polish guy - michal

xavier

sylvain

little Jon

senegalese guy

Sean

Remy

frank
Juse

Ryan

Alex farmer

Nick - St. John

Mike metal band Clover
Chris G - ugh
update Nov 2016: Hafez UGH
Laurence - QC
Lukasz - ouch
Jay - Ugh
update 18-19: Bart - Mmm
Massimo - Meh

Pres

2022 Tom T

Matt Matt Matt

Am I forgetting anyone?

#quakerism

Query 4
Are love and unity fostered among us? If differences arise, do we endeavor to reconcile them in a spirit of love and truth? Are we careful not to manipulate and exploit one another? Do we avoid tale bearing and are we careful of the reputation of others?