byzes

Coucou...

les yeux qui cherchent

I have 5 mins to write before I am supposed to go out to a movie by myself. It's an outdoor movie, the seats aren't very comfortable, but it's somewhere to go in Montreal where I can feel like I am out without needing to have friends here.

Alot of doing things by myself here, though it takes courage. Tough looking inside. So craving getting really drunk, meeting whoever, just soaking up random friendships and impromptu quebecois speech lessons...

Last night, was walking home around 11h30, saw these dudes who are my neighbors, obviously all prepped up for a night out on the prowl. you could smell it. They passed me, I didn't know where to look, me, all by myself, wanting connection so badly, but I had thrown in the towel, plus it was drizzling. They looked at me with that shy yet sexually starving look. Aren't we all. I so wonder what happened in their night, if they got a number or promise of future sex, or whatever they were looking for. And if it's what everyone is looking for, after all.

Rog didn't reply to my text, Pepa I think and him have a little romance happening. Scott had drank too much the night before. Estella had had a busy day. Mathieu thought I came on too strong (I did) thus told me to cool it, and I threw away his number and archived his email so it doesn't tease me in my inbox. Nino is inexplicably busy and you can't schedule with him prior to one week in advance. Hello, Montreal.... So I spent the rest of the night kind of in a state of half meditation half sleep half anxiety about my growing need for a root canal and lack of employment and thus dental insurance. Just me, and me, and me.

Disgusted myself too by shamelessly flirting with a 16 year old boy in this bookstore on Papineau + Mt Royal. Apparently I must repress that feeling, lest I act on it, ala Cate Blanchett in that really good movie where she plays a hot art teacher.

Voila, I must look really hard inside of me now, it's a task. Rem arrived in FR today. Pets w/ parents. Rem coming back... but I sometimes wonder why. I wanted to either live alone or without him. Life not making much sense to me.
Luke talking about how you need to leave it all behind to "become the person you are meant to become". I have a fantasy, fantasy, and it's the same craving to "disappear" that I felt in 2004, then I spent a miserable year in FR, but it was so needed.

Would love to spend a miserable winter in Quebec now, people saying "tami.... I think I knew someone named tami... wait doesn't she live in canada or something?" To be just a memory to some, a reality to new people.

OH man, my movie is about to start, and it looked good. INCENDIES.

x o x o