tonight, i came home to myself because i'm the person i should be hanging out with tonight. I need to look inside and see the "vide" and become more peaceful with myself. So I don't have to go out and chug beer after beer in hopes of feeling finally good. you know.
eliminating negativity. Putting the saharshana or whatever to rest. Let the true self speak. The true self know what it is looking for.
When I go out, the nights when I so want to go out, it occurs to me that everyone is out and desparate to be out, but no one seems to know what they are looking for. People look to others to know what they are looking for. Thus, you have fratty boys in cars yelling at women on the street, or those slimy looks they will ooze onto girls. Just because it's like the weekend night, it's when no one know what they are looking for exactly but insist on going out and looking deep into pint glasses and cigarettes mostly smoked just to meet people to figure out what we are looking for.
Tonight, I don't even know why I went to the final "Good bye" party with the group. it was horrible. Well I was totally zenned out, so zen I needed to tell everyone where I just was (buddhist meditation practice), and I realized that I in fact needed to be on my little cloud and not nurturing these 3-week friendships, bless them all.
I just felt weird I guess, josepha with her hand on rog's leg, I started to feel like claustrophobic and like dreading having to leave, ugh, so i decided to leave, everyone gets up with their good byes "Oh, you're leaving? When are you leaving montreal" bla blah blah, weird weird weird. Teresa "tu as une question?" always so concerned with every one's well being to the point of being super annoying (the zen practice wearing off...) because truly when you have peace in yourself, you're looking within and not outside of yourself for joy and peace.
yummy chips and egg and tzaziki for dinner... glad to be safe at home with myself, pathetic as I do feel sometimes I truly need to be in couples therapy with myself, we need to have a special date night where I fall in love with myself all over again. Dream. dream.
my meditation was challenged by my insistence to be in love with guys who reject me. I just go back for a little more, a little more, just a little more... like writing an email that seems like a good idea at the time but a few hours later, I hate myself all over again for sending it. Some things should remain mysterious, letters should remain unsent, feeling left unspoken, so the world can work right again.
x o x o I'm gonna scrub my face with a gentle cleanser, then curl up in bed with myself and fall gently asleep.
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