vice versa

much needed evening of solitude and repose after a wild night at vices versa last night.

This program is reminding me things about myself that I knew very well in college. Like about how moody I am, how hard it is for me for feel like I fit into a group. I was that freak that would leave parties by slipping out when no one was looking. Cuz it was too much energy and weirdness to actually say good bye and all that jazz.

Tonight, we gathered at this wonderful guy's house. Everyone is like in love with him - he's a beacon of light - and something about that mass admiration of some one just irks me. So many personalities in one room. Lou with his nonplussed monotone presence. Teresa and her feeling left out if she hears a conversation that she doesn't follow. Pippa giving the sexy eye to our classmate Roger - her with her perpetually lost vibe, always asking people what they are doing. It seems like merely existing is a bit tortuous for her in general. I arrived literally soaked from a freak montreal rain storm. To skip to the end, they all wanted to take one "final" group photo. I truly felt that given my mood and being soaked and wanting my bed, someone said "viens tami, we're taking a photo" and I literally turned myself around and walked out the door. I guess I have my own rules and it's hard for me to be false, to go with the crowd. That's a dull kinda conclusion to that situation but I"m expressing poorly tonight...

I've been challenged in this way alot recently. I think in my average life, I don't spend so much time with others.. Today Alex kind of jumped on me at lunch time so that we could discuss our project. I started walking ahead of her and break myself from the group. I had a hangover, and truly did not want to dine with her or anyone. She senses me walking fast. I hear from behind me "Tamara" ... blah blah blah I said let's discuss the proj after lunch. She goes "I also didn't bring my lunch, so..." as in, let's get food together. I pretended not to understand, and kept walking fast. Then, icing on the cake, I saw her at the vegetarien buffet, and avoided her cuz I truly wanted to eat alone. At this point I feel like an ass, because she really is eating alone, as am I. Maybe with the hunger subsided I started regaining some social skills.

When I get home from this weird hung over day, my coloc is here, ya know that feeling when u get home to your roommate who seems to be chilling all day while you're exhausted from a busy day. Well I kind of keep myself, just say hello. Soon she's kind of awkwardly telling me how she is going to take a shower. You know what, I can't really continue because I'm just proving what a hypersensitive bitch I've been today. Moral of this story is that there is a vibe about her that needs to feel loved and accepted. She joked at the mountain that I was sitting far away from her which must mean I don't like her. I couldn't even crack a smile at this comment because it's so obviously coming from a very real place in her. And I've heard enough of her stories about her millions of boyfriends and her current beau who admires her and how it's soooo cuuuuute.... yet she clearly doesn't feel it for him, but u know, she truly loves the attention.

I guess everyone loves to feel loved, but we are at different levels of accepting that love coming to us in our lives and depending on the day.

Last night after...
blonde gingembre pint
cream ale pint
black velvet pint
1/2 pint framboise
some of nino's beer

I walked home - nino and I walking in the same direction - and montreal weather suddenly got so cruel, whipping winds and cold. N and I hugged goodbye. Then we kept hugging good bye. We were both really drunk, but I so was craving connection and intimacy. I don't look at things like this like in terms of "fidelity" because I truly was in that moment wanting to be loved and touched. It just erupted out of our friendship organically. So on the corner of st. denis and Beaubien at 2 am, I enjoyed feeling his body near mine, for just a few moments. It was all about touch and embrace, and I think we both did not feel a need to kiss or whatever. He had a hard on, FYI. I think it is possibly true that inaccessibility to one another = sexy.

I thought to myself tonight that "losing yourself" in drunkenness must be so necessary, and after meeting these 3 adorable quebecois boys last night, all with copines, it occured to me that R does not do that kind of thing enough, and I want it for him. I want him to get drunk and feel like he wants to kiss someone else. I want him to get drunk with boys and check out other women's asses and come home to me wanting real love.

Il faut qu'on se perde..